My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
