you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize