I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
