before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
