just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
