Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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