Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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