Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
