Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
