Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
