Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
