sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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