He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
