i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
