tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
