Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
