Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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