She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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