I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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