i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
whose ass print is on the piano?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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