just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
