Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
