i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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