oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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