Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Randomize
