He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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