Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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