So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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