Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
