I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize