dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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