Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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