So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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