i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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