I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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