Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
