i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
