1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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