Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize