Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
