So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize