So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
