I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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