Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
