I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
