So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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