I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
