R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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