Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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