dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
