oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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