Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
