I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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