I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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