Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
