once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
