i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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