she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
