Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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